Wherever You Are
by Mockingjay in the Wrong World
Summary: -Post Mockingjay-Katniss and Peeta are still struggling to adjust to life after the war,and won't admit it,but they need each other more than they thought. Rated M for adult situations(lemons,smut,horizontal tango,etc)and regular use of profanity.
1. Chapter 1

The house is dark when I walk in. I set down the flour, and sidestep Buttercup, who hisses at me, but does it without any trying. I find the emptiness strange, since usually Katniss is home. Perhaps she is hunting. I look around for a moment, but I see her jacket and bow sitting next to the door where she always leaves them. I walk into the spacious living room, dropping the rest of my things on the couch. On the table is a folded up piece of paper with the name 'Peeta' on top. I recognize that it is Katniss' handwriting. I breathe a small sigh of relief. This is why I haven't been able to find her. She's been in the woods walking or is in town to see Greasy Sae. She doesn't need her bow for that. I open the note, and fall to my knees reading it.

"Peeta," it reads. "If you are reading this, don't bother looking for me. I will be dead and gone by the time you find me. I don't know what to live for anymore now that Prim is dead. So I've decided to join her, and Finnick, and Mags, and Rue, and my father. I will miss you Peeta. I love you. Katniss" she finishes the note with her loose, half scrawl signature. I rub my finger across the ink, and it smears. Good, that means I can still save her.

I run upstairs, skipping every few steps. I look through all the rooms, and see a light coming from the bathroom. The door isn't locked, it isn't even closed all the way. I push the door opened and am greeted by an awful sight. Katniss is sitting on the floor in a pool of her own blood. In one hand is a bloody blade, and in the other are 4 pills. Upon looking at them, I see they are morphine, her pain killing drugs. I think of how strong they are, and small she is, and I know she didn't start off with more than 10. I run to her and look at her eyes. They are cloudy and far away looking, and I know she's slipping. I also note that her cheeks are wet and I know she's been crying. I pick her up and set her gently on the counter to look at her cuts. They are deep and long.

I need to revive her. I look all around the bathroom and finding nothing, I get desperate. I run to the large bath and turn on the water to get her mind stimulated. I need SOMETHING. Once the water is running, I turn back to Katniss. She has blood dripping from her hand, and I pull her fingers open to see she has been squeezing the blade. I pull it from her hands and throw it out a window. When I'm turned, I see a flash of movement. I look back at her in time to see her swallow something. I pry the hand that had the pills in it open, and find only 3, instead of 4. I knock them out of her hand and toss them out the same window I threw the blade from. She has tears streaming down her face and refuses to look at me.

I pull her shirt off of her and wince. She hasn't been eating enough and I can see her ribs. Sadly, that's not the worst part. She has long cuts all across her abdomen and across her ribs. Her arms look much the same but on her forearm, it looks like she was trying to cut in a shape. I dismiss the thought and I remove my own shirt and toss it somewhere near hers. I look to the bath, it is getting closer to full.

After pulling off my own shirt. Gently I ease off her shorts, knowing that there will be cuts on her thighs since I could see them on her sins and calves. On each thigh are cuts, but on the right side, it has a mockingjay shape cut into her skin, and on the other leg is the word 'Prim'. I don't know what she's trying to symbolize.

I take off my own pants as well, knowing she will need me to support her in the water, otherwise she will try to drown herself. I open the closet roughly, looking for a towel to soak up some of her blood so that she won't be sitting in bloody water. I gently press the towel to her skin and start to soak up some of the blood.

By the time I have finished, the towel is mainly red. Katniss pitches forward and I catch her. I carry her over to the water and with her still in my arms, I turn off the water. I put one leg in, my real leg, and set Katniss on that leg. I reach over and remove my false leg, which ends just below my knee. I set it down while keeping one arm around Katniss. Once the leg is removed, I sit down in the water holding Katniss. She shakes when we get into the hot water, and I feel her skin tighten. She shivers, and wraps her legs around mine and curls up against my chest. The water is turning a light shade of pink by now, so I know we can't stay in the water for long. I feel her tears drip onto my chest, and I pull her closer.

Once we get out of the water, she has the light back in her eyes and she isn't bleeding anymore. I walk into her room and get her some clothes and take them back into the bathroom. I close the door behind me and walk to her closet and open the doors. Inside is a change or two of my clothes from nights when we had our nightmares or just needed someone to occupy the empty space in our beds and hearts.

When I'm done changing, I walk over to the bathroom and knock on the door. I hear crying so I let myself in. Katniss has changed but she's sitting on the ground curled up into a ball. I walk to her and pick her up, holding her as easily as if she were merely a wet towel.

I walk to her bed and sit on the edge, holding her in my arms, letting her cry herself out. After 5 minutes and she still isn't done yet, I stand up again and somehow make my way to the middle of the bed, and I lay down and she lays above me, on my chest. Once the hiccupping cries have stopped, I rub my hands gently on her back, knowing there aren't any cuts there. Suddenly I need to know why she tried to do this. Why she tried to kill herself.

"Katniss," I whisper. "Why'd you do it?" she doesn't answer for a long time, but when she does, she's whispering so quietly I have to lean in to hear her.

"I didn't know what to do anymore. Ever since Prim died, it just gets harder and harder to get up every morning, it gets hard to walk past her room every day...I miss her. I miss her, I miss Rue, I miss Finnick, I miss Mags, and I miss my dad…I want to see them…I just…I didn't know how." With this, Katniss begins crying again, sobbing and shuddering as the cries racked through her body. I hold her on my chest, waiting for her cries to stop.

"But Katniss, you have me…aren't I enough? Am I not enough? Am I bad enough you need to try to kill yourself!? Is it bad enough that you need death to get away from me?!" My voice had risen to a shout and I'd sat up holding Katniss' arms, making her look at me.

"Peeta…you're hurting me…"she whimpers. Instantly I release her, scrambling away. I can hear a roar in my ears, and everything fades out.

When I come to, I'm sitting in the middle of destruction. I'm no longer in Katniss' house so I haven't ruined anything of hers. My dresser is thrown across the room, and my clothes are strewn everywhere. Somehow, my bed is against the opposite wall, and half of my paintings are missing. My room is just in destruction. My clothes are ripped and torn, and I have bloody marks all over myself. I need to get away.

I run from my house, tears streaming down my face. I don't know where I will end up, but I just keep running. I find myself on the porch of a house. I blink. This is Katniss' house. I need to apologize, I need to tell her I didn't mean it, that I'm sorry. I find her upstairs, asleep. Neither of us get enough sleep, so I decide to let her be. I'm about to leave again when I hear her whisper "Peeta?" I freeze. I thought she was asleep. Slowly, I turn around. She's sitting up, rubbing her eyes. I stand still not knowing if I should move. I look at her arms, which have a slight purple color. I feel a twinge of guilt. She doesn't acknowledge her bruised arms, or my tear stained face, or my ripped clothes, or bloody skin. She holds her arms out, like she wants a hug. I'm hesitant. What if I lose control again? She can sense my hesitation, and rolls her eyes. "Good lord Peeta are you going to walk over here or not?" I walk over to her bed and sit on the edge.

She grabs my hand and I wince. She pulls back and grabs further up on my arm. She pulls me into the bed with her. I lay on my back, not touching her. But she lays her head on my chest and I'm warmed by her presence. I stroke her hair, and we lay there together, neither one of speaking.

Suddenly she whispers "I'm sorry." Into the air. I hold her closer, my hands on her back now. I don't know how to answer this so I just whisper back,

"It's okay." she sits up and looks at me.

"No its not. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have put you through that. If you hadn't found me, I'd be dead. Peeta I tried to kill myself. I don't even remember why I did that anymore. You found me, and you saved me. You fixed my cuts and got me back…why did you do it?" She lets all of this tumble out of her mouth. I just look at her. I try to form an answer in my head. I look at her and answer simply.

"I saved you because I need you." I pause, debating whether I should tell her this or not. "I did it because I love you." She just looks at me, not answering, so I start apologizing to her and start to get up, when she grabs my arm and kisses me. She kisses me long and soft, and when she looks at me, she answers,

"It's okay Peeta." She kisses me again. "I love you too."


	2. Chapter 2

I wake with a start,unsure of who or what is touching me. I begin to panic,but relax once I realize it's Peeta. My abrupt awakening didn't wake him. This doesn't surprise me. He is usually a heavy sleeper,which is good,since I usually sleep fitfully,thrashing around trying to get away from my dreams. But no matter how heavy a sleeper he is,he always wakes when I have my nightmares. Whenever I wake up screaming,he always comforts me,holding my usually shaking,crying form. He always calms me after I escape my nightmare induced hell. As much as I don't want to admit it,I really do need him here.

Ever since he started sleeping with me,the nightmares have become less frequent. The same goes for his flashbacks. Nowadays,they are few and far between. Most of his attacks had been in District 13 or the Capitol anyways. I asked him once what they were like,if he could remember anything from them. I still remember every word he had told me,just as if he had told me only moments ago.

"_At first,"he started slowly. "It was just anger and hate. It was all consuming. It was all I felt. My thoughts were always the same 'Get rid of the mutt. Ge rid of the mutt'."he sighed. "Really,now all it is is just fuzziness and confusion,trying to push away the shiny memories,trying to keep control. I have thought again when these happen,and I always think 'No,this is not real. Not real. Not real. This is shiny. This is wrong. This is the Capitol. I have to fight this.' then it's over."_

The words are still imprinted in my memory. I remember how frustrated he sounded,how tired he was. I recall the fact that he seemed to look like a kicked puppy. Not unlike the way Prim did when she was sad. Prim. I feel like I'm crumbling suddenly. Moments like these don't come often anymore,but when they do,it's like a sledgehammer,relentlessly pounding away at the mental barriers I had set up to protect myself from things like this.

I'm jolted from my thoughts when I feel something on my legs and pain registers in my brain. I jump and look down. It's Buttercup,and he's standing on my legs,or on my thighs specifically. I look at him. He sits down on the mockingjay shape,and I push him off roughly. _Shit that __hurts,_I think to myself. I feel a twinge of guilt looking at the cuts.

I remember Peeta running frantically around the bathroom,tears streaming down his face that he didn't realize were falling. I sigh into the quiet room. The water had been hot. His chest was firm and solid,but his breathing had been shaky and uneven,much like mine is now. I crumple even more when I remember how he had come into my room. Bloody skin,his clothes torn,his face blotchy and tear stained,his hair standing up on end like he had been running his hands through it.

He looked like he hurt. He looked sad and lost and tired. He needed me. And I needed him.

Suddenly,as if he was reading my mind,I feel him stir. He stretches and starts to let out a sigh,but stops and lets out a small sound of pain. I turn quickly to look at him. Then I understand. When he stretched,it pulled the cuts on his chest,which had scabbed over,but a few had reopened. I place a hand on his chest,then roll over and stand up beside the bed.

"Get up,"I say,then realize this was harsh. "Come on,"I continue,walking over to him,grabbing his hand and pulling him upright. "I've got to look at your chest,and clean you up."he sits up slowly,like every action hurts. It probably does. He leans over,to get his prosthetic on I assume,but stops when he realizes he can't do that. I rush quickly to his side,and grab one of his arms and put it over my shoulder. We walk like this all the way to the bathroom.

This is slightly complicated for several reasons. Peeta is about 10 inches taller than me,and even in a bad condition,he's got 100 pounds on me. I ignore this. If I can help him walk 50 yards through an arena with both of us in no condition to be walking and people attempting to kill us,surely I can help him walk 10 feet to the bathroom in my bedroom.

When we get through the door,he sits down heavily on the edge of the tub. I pause for a moment,looking at him,then set about to get some ointments or bandages or something. I turn around and see he's watching me. I set the things down on the floor and kneel in front of him and begin to apply some ointment on his chest.

"I had a flashback. Real or not real?"he asks. I sigh.

"Real."I answer. He looks at me like he's scared. He then asks,

"I hurt you. Real or not real?"I shrug,thinking of how to answer.

"Both. But it's fine though,really."I answer,continuing what I'm doing,not looking at him. He lets out a sound of frustration,a cross between a sigh and muttering. I listen closer,and hear him muttering under his breath.

"Fine my ass. I fucking hurt her."I sit back and look at him. Swearing,a side effect of the hijacking. I sit back and look at him. The sweet,blonde haired blue eyed boy I fell in love with is not as prominent in him as it was before. He seems to notice that I stopped what I was doing and refuses to look at me.

"Peeta,I'm fine,really, I am." I whisper to him. He sighs again and looks at me with a tired look in his eyes. He gets on his knees in front of me,looking at me.

"Katniss,this is not okay. I should not have hurt you. I let the Capitol take over. I _lost_ Katniss."his gaze drops and his shoulders slump,and I see how tired and defeated he looks. "I shouldn't have done that. I didn't try to stop it. I was a..."he stops,then whispers so quietly I almost don't hear him ",a..._mutt."_and with that he collapses entirely,his head against my chest,sobs racking his entire body.

I shift back so that I'm not sitting on my knees,and Peeta's head remains against my chest,most of his upper body in my lap. He is still sobbing,and I'm not sure what to do. I'm about to say something,when he begins speaking. "I haven't lost control like that since the...since the...the _Capitol_..."he spits out the word Capitol as if it were poison. "The last time I tried to hurt you...I almost bashed your head in with a fucking gun."he says bitterly. I cut him off.

"This time you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't hurt me." I know I'm lying and he knows it too.

"That's not true Katniss and you know that. Look at your arms. That didn't happen because Buttercup stepped on you! I did that Katniss! DON'T LIE TO ME KATNISS!"his voice had risen to a shout and instead of flinching away from it as I did yesterday,I look him in the eye. I pull his head to my chest and start whispering,quietly and quickly like soothing a rearing horse.

"No,this is not real. Not real. Not real. This is shiny. This is wrong. This is the Capitol. You have to fight this."I pull back and look him in the eyes. "Come back to me Peeta." his eyes are swollen and puffy,but I can see the battle raging inside his head,trying to find his way out of an emotional labyrinth. The fight goes out of his eyes and his head falls into my lap.

His eyes close,and he takes a few shuddering breaths. His breathing calms and his cheeks dry up. I grab the tube again and continue applying whatever it is I found for his cuts. Once I'm finished. Peeta appears to be asleep. His hair is in his eyes,and I reach out a hand to smooth it back,much like I did in the tunnels under the Capitol. But before my hand gets to his forehead,his eyes open and he takes my hand gently in his,pressing my fingers to his lips.

"I did this in our first games. Real or not real?"he whispers. I look at him,smiling.

"Very real."I whisper back.


	3. Chapter 3

*********hullo to readers. The reviews were wonderful. More would be amazing ;D thanks!*****

About a week after I found Katniss in the bathroom,we are both sitting in the woods. _Her _woods. It's midafternoon,and the air is still warm from summer,but laced with threads of winter cold. We're sitting under a wide expanse of branches from an oak tree. We brought the book with us so that we would have something to occupy our time with.

We worked on it for about an hour,but had to stop when Katniss started crying. It kills me seeing her like this. She is so broken and lost,and I just want to get back the strong,confident,revolution starting girl I fell in love with. And oh my good lord I'm trying. Luckily for Katniss,so that she doesn't have to deal with the emotional hell that certain things,like the book or even the forest,I brought an extra book so I would have something to do if she decided to go hunting. Apparently she isn't.

Soon we're both stretched out on a blanket. I am leaning against the tree with Katniss in my lap,sitting much like she would as if she were a small child. I remember reading this way with my father. My family would all be around our fire,and my father would read from one of the few books we had. Since I was the smallest,I got to sit right in his lap. I still remember his slow steady breathing,and how I could feel his body vibrate as he spoke. I shake my head lightly to return my attention to the present. No use in reliving the past. It isn't like I'm going to get anything out of it.

I'm reading this wonderfully ludicrous story out loud to her. It's about this strange place called 'Narnia'. They enter this wonderful place through a wardrobe of all places. Lucy reminds me of myself. When I was younger,I would go off and have my own little adventures in the Meadow. Sometimes,I would be fighting off Peacekeepers,and others I'd be battling wild rabid dogs. Of course,I always fought my invisible foes to protect an imaginary Katniss. Little did I know that those would someday come true. A thought strikes me suddenly,and I pause. Katniss turns to look at me.

"Peeta?" she asks. "Aren't you going to continue reading? I want to know what happens to Edmund!" she demands. I look at her and begin.

"Do you ever think of how weird reading is? I mean, our eyes are able to scan these different symbols and construct the scenarios and concepts they describe in our mind. And these concepts have the power to twist our emotions to make us cry and laugh."* I say quickly. Katniss turns and looks at me for a full minute,then she starts to laugh. I can't help it. I join her laugh.

"Reading is weird." she says. I nod my head in agreement. "But I have to admit," she continues "that was one of the best things I've ever heard you say. It was great." she laughs. I nod again,then lean back to continue where I left off. As I begin reading again,she leans back into my chest.

20 minutes later,I pause to yawn. I look down at Katniss and laugh. She is asleep,her hair billowing out around her face. But the funny thing is,a butterfly landed on her cheek,close to her mouth. When she would breathe out,the butterfly was pushed away. It would flutter back between breaths,and repeat the process. It continued like this for a surprising amount of time,before she twitched and it flew off.

I put down the book,and am content with watching her sleep. She sleeps peacefully,not moving,except to shift her position. I reach up my hand and stroke her hair,moving it from her face. I yawn,realizing how tired I am. Katniss woke up early this morning,thrashing around,fighting off the mutts from our first games. I woke up,of course,and calmed her,pulling her from the clutches of her mind. Neither of us fell back asleep,and the walk through the woods has really drained both of us. My leg hurts extremely,the skin and muscle where my leg ends is extremely sore,and my leg is stiff. It would be nice to sleep.

I shift so that I'm laying on my back,and close my eyes,with Katniss resting on my chest above me. She sighs in her sleep,and I move my hands up and down her back. I laugh to myself when I see how light she is. My last thought before I drift off is _"Buttercup would weigh more than her soaking wet."_

When I wake up,the forest is considerably darker then when Katniss or I fell asleep. I stretch,and realize where she is. I am laying on my side with Katniss cocooned in my side. She is curled up,not moving. I realize neither of us have woken up,meaning neither of us had nightmares. I sigh. Neither of us can remember the last time we didn't have a nightmare.

The sun is going down,so I don't have time to ponder nightmares. I sit up slowly,not wanting to wake Katniss up. I set her gently on the blanket,then stand to gather the things we brought with us. I place all of them gently in the drawstring bag,then pull it shut. I put my arms through the straps and walk over to Katniss. I pick her up and the blanket,not bothering to put the blanket in the bag. Instead,I let it drape over Katniss. I begin to walk back toward the fence.

As I walk,I begin to wonder why we don't have as bad of or no nightmares at all when we sleep together. It could be a lot of things really. Perhaps it's just the fact that we're not alone anymore,so we don't have to fight off the nightmares by ourselves. Maybe it's just the security we get from the presence of another person. I realize,with a bit of a start,that in a way,we need each other in order to sleep. It's weird. Needing someone.

I've always _needed_ Katniss,but not for my own safety and security of mind,like I do now. If it came down to it,I would not have any problems admitting that I need Katniss. However,she might have some trouble admitting that she needs me,or anyone for that matter. She never was one to admit that she needed anything or anyone. She always kept her pain to herself,which in turn led to my own.

I know her better than most people,so her masks that she wears to hide her emotions are not as effective on me as they are on others. I sigh. I wish she wouldn't cut me off sometimes. Oh well. I can't wallow in my own self pity now.

When we get back to the fence,I stop to wake her up. "Katniss," I whisper. Instantly her eyes spring open.

"Hello Peeta." she says back. "Did you enjoy your walk?" she asks laughing. I realize she's been awake this whole time. She jumps up and runs off,her braid whipping through the wind behind her. I hear her laughter,and soon I'm up on my feet too,running after her,laughing as well.

I stop in an a small expanse of trees. I look around. I hear her laughter,but don't see her.

"Katniss?" I call "You know you have to come out eventually." I hear a rustling in the tree above me,and make the mistake of looking up. Dozens of acorns are dumped on my head and in my face. I cover my face with my hands,and then Katniss jumps on my back. She's yelling,so I can't hear. When she stops yelling,I stop in place and put my hands on my hips. I look around,and scratch my head. "Now where on earth has that girl gone off to this time?" I ponder out loud. She giggles,and I spin around,acting as if something startled me. I shrug,then say "Oh well,I'll just lean against this tree until I find her..." and step back against the tree,with Katniss between me and the rough bark.

"Peeta stop!" she giggles "You're squishing me!" I step forward and twist around,successfully getting her off my back.

"Katniss!" I exclaim,feigning surprise. "I didn't know where you were! I thought something had happened to you!" I continue dramatically. I get on my knees in front of her,clasping her hands between mine. "What would I have done if something happened to you?" I ask,and this time,it is not as much drama as it is a real question. She seems to sense this,and leans forward to kiss the tip of my nose.

"Well I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." she whispers. She presses her lips to mine,and we both melt. She falls to her knees in front of me,continuing to kiss me. Her hands are balled up against my chest,and I slide my own hands up to her wrists,over her patchwork skin,grasping them. Her lips continue to move against mine,and she parts them. I part my own,and her tongue reaches timidly out of her mouth,and I meet it with my own.

She sighs into my mouth,and I pull back for a moment,resting my forehead against hers. I lean in again,and continue kissing her. I move my mouth lower and suck her bottom lip into my mouth. She sighs again,then pulls back. She looks at me and smiles. "That was pleasant."she whispers into the air we share. She stands up,offering me her hand. I smile,then reach for her hand and pull myself up. I pull my shirt down awkwardly,trying to conceal my arousal.

We walk back toward the blanket she dropped on the ground,and I follow her. She picks it up then drapes it over her arm,and we walk back hand in hand to the Victors' Village.

When we get in bed that night,Katniss falls asleep faster than usual. I stay awake for a while longer,laying in the chilly room,due to the open window. I remember the words Katniss told me when we were camped outside the Capitol,when she was on watch. Each word is still clear to me. I call them up now,in the quiet darkness.

"_You're a painter. You're a baker. You like to sleep with the windows open,you never take sugar in your tea,and you always double-knot your shoelaces."_ and they are the words I hear when I fall asleep.

*I found the thing about reading on Tumblr. Can't take credit there


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